


i'll come around (if you ever want to be in love)

by gardensand_graveyards



Category: To All the Boys I've Loved Before Series - Jenny Han, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before (2018)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 00:41:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,737
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16074761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gardensand_graveyards/pseuds/gardensand_graveyards
Summary: "I don't think it was our time then. I guess it isn't now, either." John looks over at me, his gaze steady. "But one day maybe it will be."---Post-Canon. Slowly, one day arrives. Fluff.Lara Jean & John Ambrose.





	i'll come around (if you ever want to be in love)

**Author's Note:**

> Title is taken from James Bay's "If You Ever Want to Be in Love", and summary is taken right out of Jenny Han's second book. I own nothing.

Biting her lip, she dusts her hands on the middle of her apron and glances out above the bakery counter, eyes searching for the smallest imperfection in her always flawless clean up.

“LJ, you ready?”

She whips her head back around, braid swishing along as she does, and meets the expectant eyes of her roommate and current helper, Jamie. She gives a small nod, smiling brightly, and removes her apron in one swift move. Jamie’s brown eyes light up and Lara Jean can practically hear her relief ( _Finally, we’ve been cleaning the same spot on the counter for hours, LJ_ ) as the impossibly tall brunette snatches her bag up from the floor and moves toward the door.

“Let’s go home,” Lara Jean says, glancing back approvingly at the darkened bakery, as she pushes the glass door open and waits for Jamie to follow her.

It still fills her with such warmth to look at all of this, however small it might be, and know that it is all hers. Her home away from home—something she has made out of nothing, all by herself. It makes her proud. She has come a long way, she thinks, before reminding herself that she’s no Margot, and the move to New York City after college paled in comparison to Margot’s adventurous ways.

Jamie is used to her silence, by now, and is comfortable to simply walk next to her and study the buildings they walk past, although she has them memorized by now.

Lara Jean looks over at her friend and a happy smile bubbles up from her throat, thinking that, no—she is no Margot, but she is Lara Jean—and that’s not a bad thing.

 

 ********

 

She’s perched delicately on the couch a few days later, Jamie standing over in the kitchen wide-eyed at Lara Jean’s latest ‘test kitchen’ creation, when the buzzer goes off for the doorbell.

Lara Jean wasn’t expecting any visitors, but she is polite to a fault and hurries to the door, swinging it open to reveal a welcome face. Lucas stands there, arms open and a wry grin dangling across his features. “You gonna let me in, LJ?”

She breaks out into a bright smile and pulls him in for a hug. Lucas is the only one she knows in the city from her childhood, and although both of them have changed in certain ways, their friendship remains a warm and pleasant comfort.

Jamie cranes her neck out from the kitchen and spots Lucas, erupting into a similar smile but opting to wave instead. She couldn’t just leave the kitchen when Lara Jean had just baked these donut monstrosities that were absolutely begging to be tasted.

“Hey Lucas! Come in here, LJ made some kind of s’mores donut thing and I can’t face this kind of life-changing event on my own,” she says teasingly, still eyeing the freshly baked goods.

Lucas grins, glancing back at Lara Jean before moving into the apartment. “Looks like I came at the right time, then.”

The donuts are all gone within fifteen minutes, and Lucas thinks he’s going to be sick, but they are all laughing and talking about nothing in particular, and Lara Jean thinks that she really is happy, and she isn’t missing anything at all. She means it.

 

 ********

 

 “I still don’t get how you’re single, LJ,” Marcus breathes out, a half-eaten cookie in hand. “If I was straight, and I knew a girl like you, damn, I’d be a lost cause. I’d also be about four hundred pounds.”

Everyone laughs while Marcus shrugs and finishes the cookie, but Lucas shoots her an apologetic look for his not-boyfriend-but-maybe-one-day’s lack of tact. She shakes her head at him, smiling and mouthing that it really is okay, before shrugging at Marcus and lightly teasing, “Well, Marcus, that’s the real tragedy here: you don’t like girls, and I’m holding out for you.”

Lucas knows why she is single better than anyone else at this table.

 

 

 ********

 

They did keep their promise—there was no violent break up, no screaming or fighting or wishing they had never met. They didn’t break each other’s hearts, and in a way, Lara Jean thought that was worse.

It happened gradually. She was busy with school, _so busy_ with studying and trying to give herself a real chance, like she promised she would—and Peter was occupied with lacrosse and his future and all of it. Neither one wanted to be the first to pull away, so it happened in steps.

First the daily phone calls stopped. Then, the weekly visits turned into monthly visits, and then before she knew it, she hadn’t seen Peter in weeks, and hadn’t spoken to him on the phone for several days. They texted still, but it was constantly “Sorry I missed you,” and “Have to study, talk to you later”.

She felt guilty about it after, but she barely noticed it happening at the time. It wasn’t until she got the phone call. Peter was supposed to be coming up for a visit—the first one in about a month and a half, and the morning of, she picked up the phone to hear him on the other end.

“Hey, Lara Jean, listen—I’m really sorry, but the coach is calling for this weekend boot camp kind of thing, and I don’t think I can skip it.”

His voice is strained, and he really does sound sorry.

“It’s okay, I understand. I should study, anyway. I’m a little behind,” she says reassuringly, and she really does get it. She’s not mad—a little put out, maybe, but she has a ton of things to do this weekend.

“Thanks. I’m sorry,” he breathes out, and then there is a pointed silence on the other end. She hears his breathing, uneven and maybe a little heavy. She doesn’t say anything.

“Lara Jean—do you think that maybe this isn’t…” he goes quiet, unsure of how to continue, and she can practically hear the nervous swallow before— “Maybe this isn’t working like we’d hoped?”

 “No, Peter, I don’t think it is.” She wants to have a longer conversation, maybe say that she doesn’t want to hold him back, and she wants both of them to live these days to the fullest and that maybe right now is just not the best time, and that he has given her _so much_ and she will always love him, too, but the words catch in her throat and she lets out a sigh.

“I’m really sorry, Lara Jean. I wanted this to work.”

“Don’t be sorry. I did too.”

They don’t talk for a few weeks, and when they do, it’s a text—he asks how she is doing, and she says she’s okay, and he says he’s doing better. The distance between them feels a little sad, but she believes both of them when they say they’re okay.

 

 

 ********

 

At first, Lara Jean thinks it’s easier that they parted ways so peacefully, and she lets pride swell in her chest at the maturity of it all. They ended on good terms, and she really does feel okay.

That is, until she goes home for the winter break. She feels fine in the car with her dad and Kitty (Trina stayed behind), but the moment she opens the door to her childhood home, she sees flashes of Peter in the kitchen, on the couch with Kitty, at the dinner table, and her heart falls out of her chest and shatters on the floor.

She is frozen by the door, tears welling in her eyes, and Kitty walks around her with an annoyed huff, until she makes eye contact with her sister. “Lara Jean?”

Lara Jean bursts into tears, drops her things, and throws her arms around Kitty.

She cries for most of winter break, and Kitty is uncommonly kind to her, bringing her snacks and watching movies with her for as long as she wants. She can’t look around the house without something that reminds her of Peter, or worse, of her mom, and she thinks of the people she has lost, and it makes her heart crack in places she doesn’t know if she can bandage back together.

One night, she’s curled on the couch watching _Say Anything_ with Kitty, and her not-so-little sister glances over at her and chews on her bottom lip. She wants to ask her something, and Kitty has never been shy, but Lara Jean has also never been this fragile.

“Lara Jean?” she asks, and her sister hums in response. “Did he break your heart?” Lara Jean shuts her eyes quickly, tightly, and then sighs. Her voice is unsteady.

“No, that’s the problem.” Kitty looks confused, sure that such pain could only be caused by boys being typical, terrible boys and breaking hearts. Lara Jean elaborates, “If he’d broken my heart, I think it would be better. I’d have a reason to be angry—it would be easier to move on, I think.”

Kitty nods slowly, not wanting to pry but reasoning that yes, it would be easier to not miss Peter if he were a jerk that had hurt his sister. But that just wasn’t Peter.

 

 ********

 

It takes a while for Lara Jean to feel like she can breathe again. It hurts so much more, to know that Peter is out there, still being wonderful and sweet, and that neither of them wanted to be apart but they just couldn’t make it work.

The hatred that makes everyone (see: Chris, burning the belonging of every ex she’s ever had) move on from a past relationship is impossible to muster—he did nothing wrong, and neither did she, and she knows how good of a person it is and it kills her.

She graduates, and she’s unsure of who she wants to be, but she feels so listless and tuned out from her life that she decides she needs to take a page out of Margot’s book and discover a different part of the world. Scotland is too far and she’s too scared, so she climbs a smaller personal mountain and heads for New York City.

Slowly, Lara Jean creates a new normal.

Lucas moves to the city shortly after, into an apartment not too far from hers, and she makes a few friends. Her roommate, Jamie, is the perfect balance of understanding and outgoing. She’s a little less wild than Chris, who is still in Costa Rica, but she’s outgoing enough to convince Lara Jean to let her hair down—responsibly, of course.

Jamie is friendly and popular with everyone, kind of like Peter, and people flock to her—as a result, Lara Jean finds herself with a solid group of friends.

There’s Amy, who is more like Lara Jean than anyone else, all rules and boundaries and shy determination, and there’s Jake, her goofball of a boyfriend that looks at Amy like his whole world revolves around her (it tugs at Lara Jean’s heart more than she likes to admit). There’s Dan, who loves _Game of Thrones_ but also plays football, and there’s Katie, who doesn’t like much of anything but seems to get along with them just fine.

Marcus joins the group last, dazzled by Lucas’ charm but stubbornly unwilling to jump headfirst into something so quickly. Lara Jean understands the hesitation—she sees the sparks and knows how badly being burned can hurt.

It takes a few years, but Lara Jean settles in to this new normal, and she feels like she has carved a good little corner of the world for herself. Her sadness leaves her over time, and she thinks of Peter less and less, which is a little sad but also good.

She is doing something she loves, she has good friends, and a family that loves her, and that’s really all that she can ask for. She really doesn’t feel like she’s missing much of anything.

 

 ********

 

It’s a cool, breezy afternoon in March, and Lara Jean is rushing down the street on her way home. Lucas made plans for them all to go out tonight, and she is running so very late. She’s never late (unless it involves driving and then she is always late, but that’s one of the many reasons she loves the city—no need for a car), she thinks annoyedly, and picks up her pace.

She’s thinking of what street she can cut down to get home faster, and she’s so caught up in her plan of attack that she doesn’t see the tall blonde walking down the street in front of her.

He sees her, though.

He stops, startled at the sight of her, and breaks into a bright, wide smile. Lara Jean doesn’t see him, she’s too focused on where he’s going, so he strides toward her with a wave. “Lara Jean!”

It’s the use of her full name that pulls her back to reality—no one in the city calls her anything but LJ, except maybe Lucas sometimes when he’s feeling nostalgic, and the voice sounds so familiar to her, so she snaps her head upward and makes eye contact with him.

John Ambrose McClaren.

He looks wonderfully familiar to her, Lara Jean thinks with fondness. He’s tall as always, and his friendly smile is wholesome and welcoming. His face looks more matured, and he’s walking toward her in black slacks and a navy button down, sleeves rolled up to his elbows. He looks like a man now, and a very handsome one at that.

“John Ambrose McClaren,” she smiles at him, waving as he comes to a stop in front of her. She feels a little unsure but forgets that as he pulls her in for a hug. “How are you?”

He releases her, still standing close but not too close, and shoves one hand in his pocket, smiling. “I’m great—really good. How are you?”

She tilts her head to the side, ponytail swishing, and nods— “I’m good too!” She thinks there is more she should say, but doesn’t know where to start, and he looks at her thoughtfully for a moment before gesturing around him. “Do you live around here? In the city, I mean?”

“Yes, just a few blocks down that way, actually.” She blinks, before adding, “Wait, do you live here too?” He grins at her, with a hint of conspiracy, and nods.

“Mhm. Moved down here a few months ago—I work at a law firm about twenty minutes from here.”

Her eyes brighten with the knowledge, and she looks around as though she could see the building from here. “That’s wonderful, John.” She smiles up at him, and then conversationally adds, “I own a bakery a few streets over. It’s nothing big, but I own it all by myself and it does well en-“

His grin softens into a gentle smile, and he nudges her shoulder with one hand. “That’s incredible, Lara Jean.”

She feels proud again, and sways on her feet a little with joy. There is a momentary pause in the conversation, and then she remembers that she has to be somewhere, and shit, she is very late now.

A thought occurs to her, and she looks behind her and then back to John. “Do you remember my friend Lucas, from back home?” He nods, and she continues before he can interrupt.

“I’m meeting with him and a few friends at a bar down the road from my apartment. Do you want to come?”

He does.

 

 ********

 

Lucas is happy to see John—as happy as he is to see anyone, really, and the night goes well. They laugh, they drink (Lara Jean keeps it to a few glasses of wine because her alcohol tolerance is nowhere near the level of the other twentysomethings she knows), and everyone warms up to John quickly.

Halfway through the night, she is standing at the bar waiting for another round when she sees John sidle up next to her, arms bracing himself on bar counter. She smiles and turns her head.

He looks a little unsure (even John back then had this little touch of nervousness to him that Lara Jean had always found sweet), but then he shakes his head gently and trains his eyes on her steadily. “Thanks for inviting me out.”

“Of course. It’s good to see you.”

His eyes soften, and he hesitates before continuing. “It’s a little hard, being out here in this huge city by myself. I haven’t…really made any friends yet.” He looks away for a moment, almost as if he’s embarrassed, and then he looks back to her with a grateful smile. “So, thanks, Lara Jean.”

Her smile falls a little with the knowledge, and she puts a hand on his shoulder and casts a serious look in his direction. “Well, now you have plenty.”

 

 ********

 

John settles quickly into their little group of friends. He is outgoing enough to enjoy Jake’s general nonsense and joins in with him occasionally but reserved enough to sit with Dan in the corner and discuss the merits of a new TV show based on a book they both read.

He, Lara Jean, and Lucas have enough shared history that their friendship is easy and comforting, and John is quick to charm everyone else in group. He’s only known them for a week when Jamie makes an innocent, flirtatious comment in passing.

John has the grace to look flattered, but says he’s not dating anyone right now and changes the subject quickly. Lucas makes a questionable noise before nudging Jamie in the ribs.

Lara Jean isn’t looking—she’s talking to Amy about the new recipe she’s working on, blissfully unaware as Lucas gives Jamie a pointed look. Jamie is confused, and then she looks back at John, whose gaze has wandered warmly toward Lara Jean.

Jamie mouths a silent ‘Oh,’ and does not broach the topic again.

 

 ********

 

“What is that heavenly smell?”

Lara Jean looks up from her work in the kitchen to see John leaning over the customer side of the bakery counter, peering in inquisitively. She smiles at him—his job, it turns out, is right down the street from her bakery, and he comes to visit frequently.

Sometimes he brings coworkers, but this time it’s just John, so she juts her head backward to indicate he can come behind the counter.

John is all too quick to oblige and, in a flash, he’s standing opposite her in the kitchen, still looking for the source of the smell.

“It’s cake,” she clarifies, gesturing at the oven. “Spice cake, with salted caramel frosting, to be exact,” she says shyly, the byproducts of the frosting still decorating her apron as it sits on the counter behind him, waiting for the cake to be done.

He groans like a child being told he can’t sleep over at a friend’s house and cranes his neck behind him to eye the frosting. “It’s not ready yet?”

“No, it isn’t. Don’t you dare.”

She sees him eying the frosting. He looks back to her quickly, admonished, and puts his hands up. “Okay.” She crosses her arms at him, and he flashes her a smile. “I won’t, I promise. How was your day?”

She shrugs, glancing around. “Same as always, a little busy but good busy, you know?” He nods. “How was yours?”

John signs, but then offers a smile that doesn’t reach his eyes. “It was okay.”

She raised an eyebrow at him. That didn’t sound okay.

He averts his eyes for a moment, but when he looks back, Lara Jean can see that his day was very much not okay. “What’s wrong?”

John sighs again, and shifts in place, uncomfortable. “I don’t know. Do you ever think you made a huge mistake, moving out here, leaving everyone, and just uprooting your whole life for a job that might not e- “He pauses, fumbling with his words, and looks away from her again. “I mean, of course you don’t. That’s not what I meant. Things are working out wonderfully for you here, you don’t have an- “

“Of course, I do. I think that all the time, John.” Her voice is quiet, but she hasn’t looked away from him. He looks confused, so she shrugs and elaborates.

“Don’t get me wrong. I love what I do, but sometimes I miss my family so much, and I think maybe I should have been a doctor, like my dad, and maybe this was the dumbest thing I ever did, you know?” She laughs a little as she says it and tilts her head to the side.

“But then I think about it…and even if it is a mistake, all of it, I’m glad I made it. I like where I am. I’m glad I tried and took a chance.” She goes quiet for a moment, suddenly aware that John is staring at her very seriously.

“I’m proud of myself for all the work I’ve put in, if nothing else. And I am happy here—and if I’m happy, can it really be a mistake?”

Something flashes in John’s eyes, and Lara Jean isn’t sure what to say next. The somber look on his face fades just a little, and he smiles a small smile at her before nodding.

“You’re right. Thanks, Lara Jean. It’s definitely not a mistake.” He swallows, then, and Lara Jean worries that he’s getting sad again, so she sighs dramatically and picks up the bowl of frosting.

“Fine, you can have one taste.” That is enough to earn a wide grin from him, and she takes pride in the fact that she has erased his fears, if only for a moment.

He takes the outstretched spoon from her, eyes still trained on her face, and smiles.

“Now _that_ was the dumbest thing you’ve ever done. I’m going to eat all of this.”

She narrows her eyes at him and reaches for the spoon. He dodges her, laughing.

 

 ********

 

She’s cleaning up her apartment after a fun night in with everyone, and John is helping her because, well, he’s John, when Jamie pipes up from the couch and announces that Lara Jean has mail from earlier.

Lara Jean nods absently and tosses some garbage in the open bag that John is holding in front of her. “I’ll check it later.”

Eventually, everyone trickles out except for Lucas. John is the last to leave, and he takes the garbage out for them on his way, promising to stop by the bakery tomorrow on his lunch break.

Lara Jean smiles as she shuts the door and grabs the pile of mail before settling on the couch between Lucas and Jamie. Bills, ads, credit card offers, and then yes, an actual piece of mail.

She makes an approving noise when she recognizes the return address. “It’s Margot’s wedding invitation!” Jamie and Lucas are mostly uninterested, but Lara Jean feels a surge of emotion. Her big sister is getting married.

She’s a maid of honor, of course, along with Kitty, so she knew this was coming and helped her pick out the invitations, but it still seems so much more real now that she’s holding one in her hands. She tears the envelope open, admiring all the little details that are so very Margot, before noticing something that makes her frown slightly.

“She gave me a plus one,” she says with a huff. She should have known. Margot and Kitty had been bothering her about this non-stop. It wasn’t healthy, they said, to just shut herself off from relationships because the first one didn’t work out.

It’s not like she intended to.

It had taken her a very long time to get over Peter, and when she finally had, it just didn’t seem worth it to her anymore. She was perfectly happy on her own.

Jamie regards her slowly. “Okay. So? Bring someone.”

Lara Jean furrows her brow, thoughtfully. “I guess I could bring you or Lucas.”

Lucas, still feeling quite bold from several drinks, snorts. “No way. We are not going to be your chastity belts, LJ.” Jamie laughs, and then a devious look washes over her.

“Bring John.”

Lara Jean is even more confused, now, and makes it apparent. “Why would I do that? And how would it be any different than inviting either of you two?”

Both parties groan. Lucas is the first to speak, as is typical with him. “LJ, seriously—are we really doing this again?” Annoyed now, she narrows her eyes at him. “Doing what?”

He puts his hands up in frustration, sighing. “Okay, we’re doing this again. Honestly, girl, what are you going to do when I’m not around? How are you ever going to come to a romantic realization without me?”

She suddenly thinks she knows where this is headed, and her cheeks flush. “Lucas, _no_.” He rolls his eyes. “Lara Jean, _yes_.”

Jamie laughs again and adds her opinion into the conversation. “LJ, come on. He’s so clearly over the moon for you.”

“Over the moon is an understatement, Jamie. John looks at her like she’s…” Lucas struggles to find the words for a moment, and then sighs, with just a little hint of nostalgia in his tone. “Like she’s his whole world.”

Lara Jean doesn’t know how to react. She can’t comprehend this, and she feels her cheeks getting warmer and warmer until it feels like she has a fever. She feels embarrassed, and uncomfortable, and it must be Lucas that notices it first because he softens considerably and places a hand over hers.

“Sorry, LJ. But it’s been a long time. Don’t you think you deserve another shot at this?”

She swallows, face feeling too tight and hot.

“So, Lucas, my maid of honor dress is navy blue. Get a matching tie,” she says warningly, and he understands that he is expected to comply and change the subject.

 

 ********

 

Now that Lucas has brought it up, Lara Jean can’t stop noticing it. She thought they were just friends, but the way that John behaves around her is distinctly more than friendly.

When she brings up that she’ll be out of town for the week of the wedding, John knits his brows together for just a second but then smiles sincerely at her and says to wish Margot well for him. The wedding, with Lucas as her date, is fun enough and she forgets the issue, so overjoyed to see Margot happy.

She comes back a few days after the wedding, riding high on a cloud of family bonding and reveling in her sister’s love story, and she thinks everything might go back to normal.

John comes into the bakery the next day, at lunch time, and things seem alright, but Lara Jean sees all the subtle cues she was oblivious to before. John’s smile widens at the sight of her, and he leans into her every word, never taking his eyes off her.

She’s not sure how to feel, except that she is very nervous, and she doesn’t know how to react to him anymore. She distracts herself by talking about how much Margot seems to love her new husband, but then John gets a wistful look in his eyes and she stops mid-sentence.

His hand covers hers. “Are you alright, Lara Jean?”

Her voice catches in her throat, but the warmth of his hand sends a tingle down her spine. Part of her wants to crawl back inside and shut herself off, change topics and maybe distance herself from the situation altogether-but John is so sweet and so sure and the other part of her feels warm at the sight of him and thinks that she deserves this second chance. A little scared but steeling herself, she nods with a small smile and thinks, that yes, she will be just fine.

 

 ********

 

It’s John’s birthday, and everyone is crammed into a table at one of their favorite restaurants.

Drinks are flowing, everyone is laughing, John seems even happier than usual sitting across from her, and Lara Jean is so damn proud of herself that she has been resisting the urge to tell everyone what she’s done. They wouldn’t get it anyway.

It’s time for dessert, and John isn’t an idiot, so he smooths the napkin out on his lap and sits up a little straighter, politely awaiting whatever kind of birthday surprise the restaurant offers.

Instead, the waitress walks out with a huge cake—a peanut butter chocolate cake, to be exact, and places it gently down in the center of the table, between the two of them. His name decorates the top in Reese’s Pieces.

Lara Jean watches closely as John’s face goes from confused, to interested, and then to something she can’t describe in one word—his eyes are sparkling, his smile is so wide it threatens to escape his face, and his cheeks are just a touch flushed.

Feeling confident, Lara Jean smiles at him. “Happy Birthday, John Ambrose.” Then, half relieved and half teasing, she adds, “I’m glad you remembered. This would have seemed lame if you didn’t.”

John shakes his head, eyes still sparkling, and looks at her as though he can’t quite believe she’s real. “I told you, Lara Jean. A guy doesn’t forget a cake like that.”

The candles are lit, they sing the song and the cake is cut for everyone to enjoy. At one point, Lucas makes eye contact with her and eats a large bite of the cake, eyebrows raised in conspiracy as he glances between her and John. She smiles but ignores him.

It’s later, when they all separate, that John pulls her into a tight hug and says quietly into the top of her ponytail, “Thank you again, Lara Jean. That meant a lot to me.”

She feels sparks shoot all the way to the tips of her toes at the sound of his voice, quiet but sure, and she smiles up at him.

 

 ********

 

It’s a week later, on a cold night in October, as the group of them piles out of their favorite bar, bodies warmed with a few drinks and the company of each other.

Everyone is here, except Jamie, who had a date (and was teased relentlessly for it). Lucas and Marcus are the first to leave, clamoring in a cab because Marcus is “too damn tired to walk”. The rest of the group parts ways little by little, and it occurs to Lara Jean that she’s never walked home from this bar alone before—Jamie was always with her.

As if sensing her discomfort, John nudges her side and extends an arm. “I’ll walk you home?”

She’s not drunk, but she’s had a drink or two enough to accept without teasing him or arguing. She loops her arm in his gratefully and they start the walk toward her apartment.

The conversation is as easy and comfortable as it always is, ranging from Dan’s indignant rage at the newest comic book movie and Katie’s unforgiving shutdown of an innocent enough suitor at the bar earlier.

Lara Jeans ducks her head, laughing sympathetically. “I don’t think Katie has _any_ idea of the effect she has on guys.”

John doesn’t move to look at her but coughs a little. “Looks who’s talking.”

Her face colors slightly, and they continue in silence for a bit. He doesn’t push the topic any further, and the silence isn’t uncomfortable, but Lara Jean feels silly and thinks she should have said something back.

They’re coming up on her block when it occurs to her that John lives several blocks closer to the bar then she does, and they likely passed his block on the way here. She frowns, glancing at him only to find that he’s staring straight ahead at her apartment in the distance.

She stops walking, her arm still in his. When he feels resistance, John turns around and drops his arms to his sides. He tilts his head slightly at her, concerned. “Everything okay?”

Lara Jean purses her lips. She feels silly again, but she also feels brave. Maybe it’s the alcohol.

“John, are you in love with me?”

She thinks the question is surprising enough to startle him, but John doesn’t hesitate for a moment.

“Yes.”

Her cheeks turn a bright pink, and she averts her eyes. He doesn’t.

“Oh—why…” she trails off, unsure of how to start. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Now he seems a little unsure, a little like the John she remembers from her youth, all dressed up like a soldier and borrowing his father’s beautiful red car. He shifts his feet and runs a hand across the back of his neck.

“I didn’t want to rush you, I guess.” The compassion in his voice makes her heart swell, and she looks back up at him. The nearest street light is shining down on both of them, and he’s pulled his coat a little closer around his neck. He looks hopeful, and handsome as always, and Lara Jean forgets how to speak.

“The thing is, Lara Jean,” he swallows and steps a bit closer, “I’ve loved you for a _really_ long time now, but the timing was always off with us—and I didn’t want to end up missing my chance again, but I also didn’t want to just assume you were interested anymore, so I was just kind of hoping you would let me know when—and, _if_ \--you were ready.”

He feels stupid, now that he says it out loud, and realizes that in all this time, she’s had a million chances to start something with someone else, and he could have missed a million chances with her. “It sounds very dumb now that I’ve said it.”

She laughs despite her nerves and shakes her head. “It’s not dumb, John.”

He lends her a grateful smile, and breaks eye contact.

“If you don’t mind…what made you ask?”

“Well, you live about three blocks back, but you walked me all the way here anyway.”

He looks at the floor, and then back up at her, catching her eyes.

“I feel like I’ve done way more obvious things in comparison to that, in my defense.”

“You have—I mean, I guess, I didn’t really notice until Lucas pointed it out to me, but,” she trails off. She feels so awkward and she hates it.  John puts a hand on her shoulder and she flushes again.

“It’s okay. You don’t have to say anything. We don’t have to talk about it,” he says kindly. She looks at him then, really looks at him, and sees in his eyes that he is fully prepared to swallow his feelings and love her from afar, if that’s what she wants.

It isn’t.

“No—I _want_ to talk about it,” she insists, feeling brave again. “I’m just not sure how to. I don’t really know how to do this anymore, not that I ever did.”

There is a look of hope and affection spreading over John’s face that makes her whole body tingle, and he removes his hand from her shoulder, suddenly standing straighter. He grabs her by the hand and pulls her in the direction of her apartment, stopping right outside her door.

Lara Jean is confused at his lack of response but follows, looking up at her door when John releases her hand and cocks his head at her. “How about dinner, tomorrow night? That feels like a good place to start.”

It is.

 

 ********

 

It’s different than it was with Peter, but not in a bad way. At first, the conversation is easier because this is John and she knows him, and he knows most of her story anyway.

When it comes to the romance, she thinks it’s a little harder at first because it’s real from the start. There’s no fake dating to hide behind, and it’s just her and him and this ocean of feelings in the middle. She’s nervous a lot of the time, but John is good at making her comfortable, and he never rushes her.

The first time they kiss, it’s the day after their first official dinner date. He doesn’t kiss her when he brings her home from dinner the previous night (he’s too nervous because this is Lara Jean and it _needs_ to be perfect), and he regrets it so much that he shows up on her doorstep in the morning with bagels and coffee.

She opens the door, a little startled to see him, and feels self-conscious in her flannel bunny pajamas and messy hair. He smiles at her, holding up bagels and wordlessly, she invites him in.

She shuts the door behind him as he enters, still a little dazed as she turns to follow him. John takes two long strides into the apartment, places the bagels and coffee on the counter, and turns on his feet to face her—without missing a beat, he pulls her to him by the wrist and kisses her soundly, one hand on her neck and the other that was holding her wrist moving to squeeze her waist.

Lara Jean is stunned at first, just for a second, and then she is kissing him back, hands against his chest and her heart is on fire. She hasn’t felt this way in years, the tingling in the tips of her toes and the ache in her stomach. John pulls away for a second only to kiss her again, this time softer.

He rests his forehead against hers, sighing a little. “I’m sorry for dropping by unannounced. I wanted to do that last night, but I didn’t want to mess it up, and I just couldn’t believe how stupid I was to not do it at all—” he trails off, glancing down at her lips again. “I had to make up for it.”

She laughs, and kisses him again, her hands going around his neck. “Don’t be sorry.”

 ********

 

They settle into a rhythm quickly, and soon Lara Jean and John are even more sugary sweet than Amy and Jake, often sending the group into fits of rolling eyes and fake gags.

Lara Jean has the decency to be embarrassed, but John is not and smiles like he has just won the lottery every time they make a joke, which only makes them tease him further. He doesn’t care.

She’s looking at him one night in the apartment as he argues with Lucas over their dinner choices, and it occurs to her that she finally understands what it was with Peter and Gen—with first loves. She still carries so much love for Peter, even if it’s been years.

But it’s different now. He was her first love, and that would always be special to her, but the man in front of her was real to her now, and she was so very much in love with him.

So much that she says it out loud to him then, for the first time, with Lucas in the room. “I love you.”

John stills, turning his head to her so fast she worries he might hurt his neck. Lucas raises his eyebrows and begins to excuse himself to the bathroom silently.

“What did you say?” he says in a small voice that gives away his insecurity. John has loved Lara Jean for a long time, but he’s always been afraid—well, he never measured up to Peter when they were kids, and he couldn’t compete back in high school…he was always concerned that the ghost of Peter would never leave the two of them alone, or rather, that Lara Jean wouldn’t ever really be his.

She fidgets in her seat, a little embarrassed, and walks over to him. “I love you, John.” Her voice is steady and clear, and she makes eye contact with him and wills him to understand that he is her first choice, because she knows how important it was to her all those years ago, to be someone’s undisputed first and only choice. He swallows thickly, staring into her eyes for a moment in silence.

Then he closes the distance between them and kisses her with such passion that she nearly faints. When they break apart, he is smiling that All-American, million-dollar smile of his at her, and he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear, kissing her again.

“Finally.”

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, alright, before anyone comes at me, please note several things: 1. I adore Peter & Lara Jean and will probably write just as many stories about them as I do others. 2. This story contains absolutely no anti-Peter sentiments, because he is (mostly) a sweet little cinnamon roll. 3. If you’ve read the second book, you should totally understand my equal love for John Ambrose, who should not be slept on because he is also incredibly sweet. I had this thought in my head, and poor John doesn’t get any love in the movie fandom, understandably because he hasn’t had his chance to shine. Sometimes I like to imagine a world where LJ & Peter made it work, but sometimes I think it’s just more realistic that it didn’t…and in that universe, I always liked the idea that she ran into John again, because they were cute too and I'm a sucker for missed opportunities.


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